'Novocaine' is more of a squirm in your seat and gasp experience than a movie

I am certain I have never made as many noises watching a movie as I did while watching “Novocaine.”

Groans, sighs, ughs, moans, shrieks and about 27 variations on “ARGGHHH!”

This is a good thing.

“Novocaine” isn’t a good movie by traditional standards. The story, while it has some basis in a real medical condition, is unbelievably stupid.

Half of what the characters do doesn’t make sense, the other half is implausible or downright impossible. But it is fun. A lot of fun. (And funny, thanks to Jack Quaid’s go-for-broke performance.)

This is going to sound like a dig but it’s not. Remember when the great Martin Scorsese ruffled fanboy feathers when he compared Marvel movies to theme parks? “Novocaine” is a theme park. It’s an adventure ride, a shot of adrenaline. It’s practically a participatory experience (see: noises made, above).

It’s still not a particularly good movie, but don’t let that stop you from seeing it.

Jack Quaid as as Nate in Paramount Pictures “Novocaine,” opening in theaters only Thursday.

What is ‘Novocaine’ about?

Quaid plays Nathan, a meek assistant bank manager in San Diego who is meek for a reason. He has Congenital Insensitivity to Pain with Anhidrosis, or CIPA. Basically, he can’t feel pain. This is what makes R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts” playing behind the opening credits funny. Nathan doesn’t.

Directors Dan Berk and Robert Olsen wisely ease us into Nathan’s life and condition. His house is rigged with safety measures to prevent him from hurting himself without knowing it — tennis balls on table corners, a shower rigged so that he can’t turn the temperature too high, etc. He doesn’t eat solid food because he fears biting off part of his tongue and not realizing it. Mostly he plays online video games with a friend he’s never met named Roscoe (Jacob Batalon, who has the funniest scene in the film).

Nathan has a crush on Sherry (Amber Midthunder, so good in “Prey”), who started working at the bank a few months earlier. They go on a date that goes better than expected, so Nathan is on top of the world the next day when three men dressed like Santa Claus rob the bank and take Sherry hostage.

And off we go. The robbers, led by a psycho named Simon (Ray Nicholson), shoot the police officers who respond, but the smitten Nathan steals a cop car and chases after the Santa robbers. That’s it. The movie is about Nathan trying to rescue Sherry, and suffering the most horrific injuries imaginable while he does so.

It wouldn’t be sporting to complain that not feeling any pain doesn’t mean that your body wouldn’t break down if you’d been shot, cut, burned — so many burns — and beaten up as much as Nathan has. Because come on, this guy’s in love! People go the extra mile!

Most people don’t stick their hand into a deep fryer to retrieve a pistol so they can defend themselves, but most people aren’t Nathan. Which is, without a doubt, a good thing.

Officers Mincy (Betty Gabriel) and Coltraine (Matt Walsh, always funny), join in the chase. But it’s mostly Nathan on his own.

The injuries get more gruesome as ‘Novocaine’ goes on

The injuries grow more gruesome and, yes, creative, as the film goes along. I was trying to figure out why, as someone who loves horror movies and slasher films, this one made me squirm in my seat. (Truly, I squirmed a lot.) Some of it is the skill with which Berk and Olsen, who have a background in horror, shoot the gore. They hold the scenes way beyond what is comfortable. If a bad guy is going to yank off one of Nathan’s fingernails, and he is, we’re going to watch. And it gets so much worse.

That’s part of a torture scene, by the way, which is one of the film’s funniest. Nathan has to pretend the horrible injuries his captor is inflicting actually hurt, and he’s not all that good at it.

Happily Quaid, a perfect little weasel in “Companion,” is a better actor than Nathan. His performance drives the movie. I love the type of character he plays — someone who jumps in and just does stuff, and he does it with a gleeful lack of concern for the consequences. He’s a cheerful masochist, and why not? If he was a bad guy we’d think he was crazy. Actually he’s a good guy and he’s still crazy, but in a way we can get behind.

Mostly “Novocaine” is just fun. And mostly, that’s enough.

‘Companion’ review: A surprisingly dark, funny tale of sexbot gone rogue