Not to be hyperbolic, but tonight’s Righteous Gemstones was the funniest 36 minutes in television history. Okay, I won’t go that far, but it was a series high. There wasn’t a single punchline that didn’t hit, a costume choice (or lack thereof) that wasn’t a godsend, or a needle drop that was out of place. “You Hurled Me Into The Very Heart Of The Seas” launches the final season’s story out of the deep and finds the production confidently and hilariously ascending toward that big disco ball in the sky. Blessed are the faithful who stuck with a 40-minute flashback episode explaining that the Gemstones come from a generation of scumbags. Tonight’s episode rewards that patience with non-stop family hijinks from the best cast on TV. Amen.
Closing the book on Elijah Gemstone, the show speeds to the present, revealing the pinnacle of Elijah’s wanton disregard for his fellow man. Yes, we return to the comforting embrace of Uncle Baby Billy. Now fancying himself a media mogul, Baby Billy choreographs and stage directs his jetpack-riding niece and nephews through one of the tentpoles of the Gemstone year: the Aimee-Leigh Birthday Give-A-Thon. More to the point, there has been a power shift: Billy is like Tyler Perry, and Eli, busy munching a cheeseburger in paradise, is like Luke Perry…dead.
Tonight’s episode provided a welcome counterbalance to last week’s history lesson. It opens with another banger musical number in a show filled with them and leads right into a group scene between Billy and the kids, which is all exposition disguised as a payoff. A little sugar (Baby Billy’s penis) helps the medicine (the kids must retrieve their father from Florida) go down. The wall-to-wall Gemstone antics show a cast in the zone, tossing out one great line after another while revealing their latest insecurity and long debilitating neurosis. Just as Elijah must elevate himself above his camp, the Gemstone kids must present themselves as gods to their congregation, flying above them on magical jetpacks, proof of God’s love and power. Director Jody Hill and writers McBride, John Cariceri, and Jeff Fradley follow Cooper’s prologue by showing how far the family has come and how little they’ve changed. From the humble beginnings of carting a caravan of dead soldiers to an adult son spinning in circles, Homer Simpson-style, because he lost control of his jet pack, the Gemstones have been selling themselves for 163 years, and they aren’t going to stop now.
Never the family to take stock of their accomplishments, Jesse, Judy, and Kelvin head backstage and vie for control of the show—or at least ditch these fairy wings and jetpacks. Alas, there’s a new Baby in charge. Our white-haired savior chastises these rank amateurs who need to get their jetpacking in order, showcasing his power by Porky Piging it for the rest of the scene and sending the kids to Florida to retrieve Eli.
Somewhere in Florida, Eli is living the Lebowski life, but the party’s over when his incredibly well-dressed idiot children arrive by speedboat. God, this is what we’ve been waiting for: McBride, Edi Peterson, and Adam DeVine stuck in a “pussy loop” until their father relents and agrees to the telethon. But within that, we see that their dynamic hasn’t changed much since the swarm of locusts rid them of their problems. The immaturity and swearing show them exerting their power (“We grown now, Daddy”) and their immaturity (“Could you imagine if Daddy met someone new? Yucky ducks.”). The indignation that their father could be having sex also sets up the conflict to come when the kids inevitably find out that Eli’s been kissing Aimee-Leigh’s best friend, Lori (Megan Mullally).
We leave this touching scene of the kids chanting “pussy” at dear Daddy for a triptych of hilariously scripted expository ones that bring us up to date on the specifics of each Gemstones’ station. Over on Judy Island, a mustachioed B.J. has taken up pole aerobics because God loves us. The pole dancing perfectly suits Tim Baltz, who has ample reason to casually stretch as he consoles Judy, who is suddenly jealous of the other pole dancers and always fearful of a confident B.J. But this is “all about core body strength, not peeping tight ass.” While the pole dancing is just so utterly B.J., the scene ends on a weird double beat from the one prior, reminding us, just in case we missed it, that Eli is coming to the telethon. Still, the possibility of Baltz performing in a pole dancing graduation show makes this a storyline worth watching.
Kelvin’s scene was a little more revealing. After last season’s cathartic, long-awaited kiss, Kelvin and Keefe (Tony Cavalero) have founded another youth group. Only this one is successful. With queer-coded aesthetics that would spark a federal investigation today, Prism is a more inclusive and gender-positive way of reading the Bible, cutting out the problematic bits and welcoming all of God’s children. Kelvin is on top of the world with Prism’s success, which goes beyond Faith Factor or Smut Busters and puts Kelvin at the tip of the pyramid for the first time.
Keefe is also the happiest he’s ever been. Except for one little thing: Kelvin doesn’t want to go public with their relationship, and Keefe wants to get married. Unfortunately, Kelvin’s internalized homophobia has struck the perfect hate-life balance, where he can be a sexually active gay man and remain deeply closeted. He compares his relationship with Keefe to Sigfried and Roy: The public will tolerate the white tiger act, no matter how flamboyant, so long as the couple isn’t public. Keefe will have to grin and bear it for another few episodes, lest he be mauled by a tiger.
Finally, the eldest Gemstone is also riding high on…well, we don’t know if we can call it a success. Jesse’s Prayer Pods are photo booths that double as on-the-go chapels where Gemstone subscribers can rent time to speak to the Almighty. However, as Gideon points out, he’s biffed the rollout; there are no Pods in the wild. It’s a shame because a successful church invention would be a nice distraction from his family. Pontious is back from military school worse than ever and now knows how to kill people. But rather than even attempting to help his tattooed bad-boy son, Jesse hones in on Gideon’s relationship with his grandfather, who becomes a mentor figure to the boy.
The show has effectively built the relationship between Gideon and Eli these last few seasons, finding organic reasons to pair them together and allowing them to slip seamlessly into a conflict with Jesse. But the problems facing these three are the same. Judy’s domination of B.J., Kelvin’s fear of coming out, and Jesse’s attempts to connect with his son all reach these moments where it’s time for each of them to change. They’re right on the edge of figuring this thing out but can’t seem to help themselves. It’s to the benefit of the show, of course. If Jesse were cool with his son spending time with his grandfather and developing a lovely generational bond, we never would have watched Danny McBride find the last remaining variation on the exploding fist bump joke and quietly crush it.
The Give-A-Thon is all fireworks, displaying the Gemstones’ power to overwhelm their followers and expressing it through a perfect visual metaphor: the kids stepping on their followers toward ever greater heights. As the gusts of hot hair blew on the congregants, it almost looked like they would erupt in flames. Jesse hovers above them, nearly losing control before steadying himself on the heads of his congregation members. The episode ends at a climax, with Eli kissing Lori and Jesse ascending toward the disco ball as his siblings call him a “fucking idiot,” leaving us on a cruel cliffhanger.
Tonight’s episode was the true season premiere, establishing the final season’s character arcs and dynamics and reasserting who these people are and what they want. “Prelude” paved the road, but the show was ready to drive tonight. The Righteous Gemstones is firing on all cylinders. I can’t wait to watch them crash.
Stray observations
- • Sunday School: Tonight’s episode title, “You Hurled Me Into The Very Heart Of The Seas” comes from Jonah 2:3 and is Jonah’s prayer of repentance after being swallowed by the whale. It felt like the show was evoking that from Eli’s brief tussle with the swordfish and the kids pulling him from the belly of the boat.
- • “Fuck my handsome white ass.”
- • “Luckily, all of Daddy’s loin desires have disappeared. Daddy’s nuts done dried.”
- “All your dick juices are gone because Mama has them in a jar up in heaven.”
- • The way Edi Patterson growls, “That’s your dead wife, remember, dude?”
- • Gideon’s first preaching gig was very much like Elijah’s. Gideon’s closing line, “I think we got it,” reminded me of Elijah’s line, “Well, I don’t want to take up your whole Sunday.”
- • At a recent panel discussion, Walton Goggins confirmed that that is not his penis. His penis looks nothing like that.
- • That said, Goggins will not be denied his Emmy this year. Just non-stop magic oozing out of this guy.
